Other peoples’ narratives

Are you listening?

I was out running with my buddy Ryan last weekend and we were bitching about our wives and how immune to simple logic they were.  I’m sure this is a beloved pastime of men and husbands since the first cells discovered cytokinesis.

The question at hand is why two people who know each other so well and have so much shared history can look at an identical set of data and come up with wildly different reactions.  I.E. why do we disagree so on so many simple things?

This is the core of how, in any relationship there can be strife.  Different opinions, different conclusions, and different levels of emotion associated with the same set of information.  You are seeing two different things because you are filtering it through two different lenses.

I proposed that it is because neither party can hear the narrative of the other.  Neither party is really listening to the narrative of the other.  And both parties are projecting their own narrative onto the other.

In this sense “You never listen!” is a true statement.  You are listening to the words but you are running them through your narrative and that leads you to a different place.  They are listening to the same words and running them through their own narrative and arriving at a wholly opposite place.

For example your spouse might wander by and say “The paint on the neighbor’s house is looking a bit dull…”

Now your narrative machine will kick into action… “Ya know I never liked them.  Lazy bastards.  We should move.”

Whereas every husband know the intended narrative is probably “You should get off your lazy ass and paint the house.”

We don’t know what story is going on in someone else’s head.

Which is why those of us who have been in relationships a long time learn to read the signs and ask the follow up questions.  “Do you want me to do something?  Am I missing something? Are you asking me something and looking for an answer?”

Which ironically is our internal narrative of “I have to hunt around to figure out what they are being obtuse about this time so I don’t get blamed for failing to take a hint and not doing something I didn’t know I was supposed to do!”

We laugh about our relationships with our wives and kids and family because they are so close to us.  But this understanding of other people’s narratives is meaningful and useful in all the relationships you have.

I heard a story recently about Isabella Rossellini the actress and Lancôme model.  The story goes that she was in Russia working on a movie when her boyfriend David Lynch called late one night to break off their relationship.

She was upset and needed to talk to someone.  She called her ex-husband Martin Scorsese.

Marty said “I knew it! I’ve known for four months!”

Isabella said “But how could you have known?”

Scorsese said, “I saw him kiss you on the lips on the red carpet at Cannes!” Up until that point there were no public displays of affection.  Marty continued, “A man who does that has something to hide!”

Whereas Isabella had interpreted the same kiss as a deepening of their relationship – a commitment to a new level of trust and intimacy and she was surprised by Lynch’s call.

The interpretation of events depends on our inner narrative.  We interpret those events through the lens of our narrative.

What can we do (besides sleep in the couch)?

Well, first I would propose what we can’t do.  What we can’t do is change the other person.  We can’t change their narrative.  We can’t enforce or export our narrative onto theirs.  It’s just not going to happen.

We can start with the realization that other people have their own narratives and we have our own narratives.  We can realize that sometimes they are wildly different.

We can understand that when it comes to dealing with others it’s not about us and our inner dialog.  They can’t hear that.  And we can’t hear theirs.  Any conclusions we come to based on our rendition of reality is ours alone and may or may not have any bearing on the others rendition of reality.

That’s a key element of awareness.  That’s a great starting point.

Next, once we realize we don’t know what their narrative is, it behooves us to try to understand it as best we can.  By asking questions.  “What are you thinking?  Are you worried about something?  What do you think I’m saying?”

We can also qualify our own statements to make our own narrative more easily understood.  “Look, here is what my honest objective is…”  By being clear, “This is what I would like.” Many times the reasons we are obtuse in our communication that a) we think the other person is on the same pathway as we are or b) we don’t want to hurt their feeling or be assumptive.

I’m no expert but avoiding honest communication seems to just delay the result and magnify it when it does come.

If you take the conversation up a level to the meta-purpose, if there even is a purpose, then you can start back down a shared path.  You can find points of commonality in your narratives.  You can use these points of commonality to create a shared narrative.

But not like a lawyer arguing the case.  That’s not the logic I’m talking about.  You can’t say “We both agree that health is important, right?  Great, then you should lose some weight!”  That is not using common points to find a common path.  That is using common points to enforce your own path.

A more useful way of doing it would be to understand how the commonalities can be used to forge a joint path forward into the future.  “You agree that health is important? Great how do you think we should manifest that health in our lives, in our family and in our relationship?  What would you prioritize?”

One thing that leaders can do which breaks the rules is to lead with their narrative.  To create a compelling vision of the future state that creates a clearing.  A compelling public narrative can have the impact of drawing those people you are in relationships forward into its energy.  Your narrative as a leader creates a safe place for people to follow.

You can do that.  You can lead with a clear and compelling vision of the future.  You can have that narrative and it will pull others to you.

Finally I would stress that we are all in control of our own narrative.  Past, Present and future.  This is a great responsibility because this story, our story, will be told with or without our guidance and intervention.  You control that inner narrative.  If it is taking you to a place you don’t want to go then you need to have the self-awareness to look hard at why you are telling the stories that you are.

I am not a psychologist or a family counselor of any type.  My life and my relationships are as messy as anyone else’s.  We are humans.  It’s a messy business being human.  But, I think the world would be a kinder place if we all stopped a few short breaths to understand the narrative of those we know and love.

It’s our responsibility to listen for the inner narratives that drive those close to us.

It is our responsibility to understand how the stories we tell impact the world around us.