How to say ‘No’

How to say ‘No’

You are a very nice person.  You don’t want to make anyone mad.  You like to agree with people so as not to offend, especially co-workers and bosses and friends.

But, you also take pride in your work.  You take pride in adding value, getting things done and making a positive impact on your work and your world.  You treasure your time.

What do you do when your boss wanders in and asks you to do something?   Do you automatically say ‘yes’?  Even if it is something non-productive or ill-defined?

What about socially?  Do you feel bad turning down the pleas of volunteer organizations or social clubs?  Do you sacrifice things that are important to you to help out a cause or an acquaintance?

How do you say ‘No’?

Saying ‘no’ is hard.  It is harder for some of us.  Culturally we are conditioned to help.  But if you just say yes all the time you won’t end up like Jim Carey in “Yes Man”.  You’ll end up doing work for other people and the more work you take the more they will want to give.  You will get used.

At the bottom this is no different than the thousands of other potential things that you can do every day.  Time is finite. We all get 24 hours in each day. You HAVE TO decide what you are going to do with those 24 hours.

You and I and everyone on this planet work every day to balance the demands of work, family, community and health.  That balance is different for each one of us.  If you feel like your balance is out of whack, it probably means you don’t agree with the priorities that you are setting or that are being set for you.

You have to start at the beginning and figure out what your life purpose is (as best you can).  From that you derive your short, mid, and long term goals.  Then each day you can prioritize which things you choose to work on.  These things you choose must align with your mission, your values, and your purpose in life.  If they don’t you will feel it.

The same guideline is true at work, at home and in your community.  Each time someone presents you with an opportunity you need to asses as to whether it aligns with your life goals.

This doesn’t mean you won’t be doing things that are hard or that are distasteful.  Folding laundry and scrubbing pots are things that align with the way you have decided to live (i.e. not surrounded by dirty laundry and dishes).

That is the base line.

But, what do you do in those specific situations where you have to say ‘no’ or ‘yes’?

Let’s look at work first.  You are getting assigned (or accepting) tasks or asked to do things that you don’t think align with your work purpose or goals.  Do you and your peers/boss agree on what those goals and purposes are?  If you haven’t had that conversation, start there.

But please, please, please, don’t be an idiot and go into your boss and say “Hey, what am I doing here?  What do you want me to do?”  Don’t be that idiot.

Sit down and think about how your unique skills and capabilities could help your organization.  Brainstorm up some ideas.  Turn them into specific goals and large project sets.  Then schedule the time with Mr./Mrs. Big and present your ideas.  Try to do it in a neutral setting. Lunch is great. Conference rooms work.  Don’t have this meeting in their office if you can help it.

Make sure your inner game is straight.  Don’t go in nervous or jittery.  You are doing them a big favor.  You are bringing them the solution to how to move the business forward.  The best employees manage themselves.  You are giving them a gift.

I do this at least once a year.  How formal or informal this conversation is depends on your corporate culture and your relationship with the person.  Have that conversation and sort out a mutual set of goals and a common hierarchy of purpose.  You will feel wonderfully enabled and your boss will love you.

Once you have this broad agreement, you can then judge all requests against it.  Not only that, but since your boss was involved in agreeing to the framework he/she won’t just throw random crap over the wall that doesn’t align.

Most importantly for the purpose of saying ’no’, it gives you positive leverage.  You can frankly ask how this new request fits in with those already established goals?  Is this more important?  Do you not want me to work on that other stuff?  Are those goals we agreed on not so important anymore?  Have we changed direction and need to talk about where we are headed now?

If you’ve got an overworked organization this will give you a way to refocus them on the important, strategic stuff and stop reacting to the noise.  You, my friend, by saying ‘no’ are helping everyone stay on task.

Furthermore in this case your aren’t even saying ‘no’.  You are saying ‘yes, but…’  You are putting control back into their hands to make the right call.

I would postulate that this will work way better than your other strategy of passive aggressive coffee-room complaining.

Now in the community the art of saying ‘no’ is much more nuanced.  When you get that call from Sally, your dear friend from college that wants you to help with the poor starving cancerous lemur fund barbeque – you’re going to need to be able to dance the dance.

Again, if it’s important to you, if it’s aligned with your life goals and purpose then go ahead and sign up.  The thing you need to understand is that by volunteering or signing up for this thing, that means you’re going to have to not do something else.  That something else could be watching Law and Order reruns with your wife and maybe it’s ok, but you need to make that decision.

When the phone rings and Sally is asking about the lemurs you can stall for time by asking what kind of commitment she’s looking for, but you need to be preparing the following speech.

“Sally, Dear, That is a wonderful opportunity.  THANK YOU so much for thinking of me…I’m truly honored…But, I really can’t commit to this right now…but thank you so much and I look forward to seeing you at the Lion’s Club squab shooting bonanza on Sunday…”  You can put it into your own style, but you get the gist.  You say ‘no’ while at the same time thanking and praising them.  They get off the phone feeling great about themselves and you get to say ‘no’.  There’s a version of this that works great with telemarketers too.

There you go.  That’s how to say ‘no’.

1. Know what your priorities are.
2. Judge each new opportunity against those priorities.
3. Say yes or no.
4. Move on with your life, you’ve only got so much time in your day.

Cheers,

Chris,