No Regrets
Easy to say…
No regrets! It’s one of those things that is easy to say but hard to do. You hear it all the time, right? Famous and successful people say it. The question is asked in an interview; “Knowing what you know today, would you have done it differently?” or maybe “do you ever regret …” The inevitable answer is “No, I have no regrets.”
That’s hard for most of us to wrap our heads around. Especially emotionally. When, like in some Dickensonian nightmare you are surrounded by the ghosts of mistakes past. They haunt you.
How many of us find those dark places and meet those specters of wrong paths taken? They come to haunt you when you are at your weakest.
There are things you wish you had done differently. Moments of truth where you played your cards poorly. Maybe even moment of shame from the past stepping to the fore to remind you of your failings.
No Regrets. Easy to say. Hard to do.
What even are regrets? Regrets are emotional memories that you review like a bad movie clip in your head. Over and over. More importantly regrets are an investment of resources and energy. When you engage your mind with talking to these specters you are investing cycles of your finite capacity and energy.
Guess what, you can’t change the outcome of that thing in the past no matter how much you think about it.
You are investing energy in something you can have no influence over. That means you are sacrificing energy that you could use today, or tomorrow, for things you can change, but you’re spending it in the past.
Think about that. These mistakes, these missed opportunities, these paths not taken – cannot be changed. By dwelling on them you are taking energy away from things that can be changed and probably perpetuating future regrets by starving the now of your presence and attention.
I don’t know about you, but my mind gets stuck in endless loops around these things. They become burned in patterns of images and emotions. Once triggered they play out on their own. Like some demented video game that can’t be won, playing over and over in the same dark corners. Here’s what I should have said. Here’s what I should have done.
Spending energy on what cannot be changed.
And all you are really doing is in burning in that pattern. You’re reinforcing that negative memory pattern and as a result a negative self-awareness.
You can’t make it better. It’s in the past. The result can’t be changed.
Let’s think about the reality. The memory is probably wrong. The way we remember it is from inside our minds eye view – our frame of reference. I can guarantee you are the only one who remembers it that way. Furthermore, you have imprinted it with your own unique emotional response.
No Regrets
Now it should be starting to make sense as to why people insist on ‘no regrets’, right?
Regrets are memory patterns that you invest your finite and valuable mental and emotional resources in. That can’t be changed or influenced or redone. That are probably mostly imagined constructs of our own mental flagellation.
It makes sense, right? When you think about it this way having regrets is like embracing tooth decay.
Now that we all agree to have no regrets what can we do about it? I mean, it’s not like you want to have regrets. They force themselves on you.
How do you break an emotionally reinforced mental pattern?
The first step is to recognize them for what they are when they manifest. Move that pattern from the subconscious reaction that it is into your big brain. Get good at recognizing when you are slipping into that pattern. Notice it. Be observant of how the pattern plays out. Recognizing it for what it is will take the mental power out of it.
Second, you can redirect or interrupt the pattern. It depends on how you are best influenced. It is by sound or touch or action? When you feel that pattern coming on maybe all it will take is for you to smile, or stand up, or clap your hands. Maybe you can say some word, like ‘gratitude’ and take a deep breath. Maybe you can visualize something better.
Whatever works for you. What you are doing is high jacking the pattern and inserting your own outcome. You take the power of the pattern and divert it to your own ends.
Finally, as usual, I’ll suggest mindfulness to deflate these regrets.
Here’s a practice you can use to unpack and discard regrets. Get yourself into a deep meditative state. It’s not important how you do this, but some options are simple breathing meditation or visualization. There are plenty of guided meditation instances you can access online these days.
I’ll walk you through one example. I’m not a professional so if you’re easily distracted by this sort of thing be careful. I’m not trying to hypnotize you. I’m giving you an example of a technique.
With this visualization you picture yourself relaxed in a hammock, or floating on clouds or laying in a grassy field in the sun – what ever makes you feel relaxed and safe.
Take a big, deep breath in. Exhale slowly. Do it again.
Picture yourself floating down a warm, calm, slow-moving river. The sun is warm on your face. The water is swirling around you as your fingers dip in the water. You feel incredibly relaxed and warm and safe.
Now think about one of your regrets. It’s ok. It can’t hurt you here. See your regrets. Visualize them as little boxes with lids and ribbons. Imagine yourself reaching in and taking those boxes out. Untying them slowly. Looking inside at the regret. Accepting it for what it is.
Then let the box go and watch it float away. See it peacefully float away. Maybe it sinks slowly into the warm river. Feel the power and emotion of that regret floating away. Feel the peace of never having that regret again. Grab all the little boxes of regret now and let them float away.
- Open your eyes. Rub your hands together. Take a couple deep breaths.
Shake it out.
Feel better?
No regrets.