Having Hard Conversations

Using them as an opportunity instead of hiding from them as a threat.

I decided to tackle this topic because I’ve had some seriously hard interactions in the last month and I continue to hide from some because I’m afraid.

What do we mean when we say hard conversations?  These are the conversations that you may be familiar with.  You may have been on the receiving end of them.  Maybe they started with “We need to talk” or “Can you come to my office for a minute…and bring your phone and laptop and company credit card…”

These are the obvious ones but we have these hard conversations all the time, they run from the life changing to the mundane but they are emotional and draining and hard.  They can either be events that victimize you or conversations that move your life and agenda forward.

This is especially true because maybe half of these hard conversations start with you being the one who says “we need to talk”!  That’s right.  You are the instigator of hard conversations whether you like it or not.  The way you manage these hard conversations can have a huge impact on your health, your emotional well-being and your life.

How many of these “We need to talk” conversations have you started that ended in hard feelings? Maybe knockdown, drag out screaming fits where you said things you shouldn’t have?  The conversation set you back.  Maybe you lost a friend, or a partner.

That’s your experience with the hard conversation.  Getting pain and giving pain and ending up with a bad result.  That’s why we avoid them like the plague.  They are fraught with emotional baggage and negative consequences for everybody involved.

But, you HAVE to have these conversations because they are moments of truth and they create change.  If you are managing your relationships, your company and your life proactively these are the conversations that remove sticking points and realign your reality with your plan.  You can’t hide from them just because they are hard.

How do you make theses hard conversations easier?  I’m not going to lie to you.  There are no magic bullets.  Firing people, ending relationships and dismissing business partners is never an easy conversation but there is a right way and a wrong way.  There is a way to do it with as much respect as possible.

First, the hard conversation isn’t something that happens out of the blue.  The tension has been building over a period of time.  It’s easier to have smaller, corrective conversations before you get to the hard conversation.  Smaller course corrections are always easier and require less emotional effort.

What I find is that many times the other party doesn’t even know there’s a problem.  You have to be fair to people and communicate as you go.  If you let the situation get to the point of the hard conversation then you own some of the responsibility.

Look around.  Are there situations with your relationships, work, life that are bugging you?  Nagging your brain?  Like there is something wrong?  Your RADAR is usually pretty good.  Approach that person and have a preemptive conversation about what you’re feeling and why and you might prevent that really hard conversation.

Use the same techniques that you would for a truly hard conversation but record the results of the corrective conversation and share it with the other party.  Because, in my experience, they only hear a small fraction of what you’re saying or more accurately hear it through their own mental filter.

Second, when you approach a hard conversation you have to be straight in your own head.  You have to do your best to become emotionally disengaged.  Take the time and write down what the issue is from your point of view – understand if this is ‘truth’ or just your version of the truth.

This is so important.  Get yourself comfortable with the conversation.  Why you’re having it and what the results you want are.  You can’t effectively navigate the emotional washing machine of the hard conversation if you don’t manage your own emotion.  The way you handle yourself in the conversation will send a message and if you’re freaked out it will freak the other person out.

Third, script it out.  A truly hard conversation is worth the effort of scripting.  Create the conversation you want to have and practice it.

Fourth, get to the point.   Start directly with the main point, don’t beat around the bush or small talk.  Don’t waste time with niceties because the other person is going to sense something’s wrong and start evasive action.  Don’t do the old ‘One Minute Manager’ thing where you start with some good news, throw in the bad news then close with good news.  Start with the real problem.  Start with the point. Don’t try to soften the message.  That will only muddle it.

This does not mean hammering the poor person with all your stored up anger and diatribe.  Just state the facts.  “I wanted to talk to you because I feel that…  The reason I feel this is… (example).  This is how this makes me feel.  I think potentially if we go on like this this will be the negative result.  I’d really like to resolve this. How can we help each other?”

If you’re terminating someone the best thing to say is “I’m sorry.  I have some bad news.  We have to let you go.  (we’ve got a new supplier for X)  Your skills aren’t the best match for the role.”  Or something like that.

Fifth, don’t get sucked into a dog fight.  In a termination conversation it does no one any good to get into an extended discussion of why and why not.  If I get into a situation where the person won’t let go I try to help them move on.  “Listen, we’re not going to change any of that today.  You’re should be thinking about your family and moving to the next chapter.”

If someone goes off on you, and they will, if they start screaming or crying or throwing furniture, you cannot participate.  You have to say, calmly, “I understand” or “I’ll make sure they get the message”.

Sixth, the golden rule.  Treat people like you’d want to be treated.  Be present in the moment.  Respect them.  Bottom line you have to have respect for the other party.  This isn’t an attack by you to try to get someone to change.  This is you explaining the situation and asking for their help, their partnership in resolving a sticking point.

Don’t avoid hard conversations, because you can’t.  You can either be a victim of them or a master of them.  Right or wrong, being a master of the hard conversations will give you a leg up in this world.  Learn and practice hard conversations so that you can help yourself, your family and everyone you deal with move forward in their lives to best end.  Use them as tools.  Use them for you.  Use them for good.