Small Talk Basics

How to operate comfortably in a crowd

Picture yourself walking into a crowded room.  Maybe it is a dinner setting where there are round tables and people standing around.  Maybe there’s a bar and waiters.  Maybe there’s a stage set up for dinner speeches.

Some of the tables are empty, some are full and some are in between with open spaces.  The room is full of people.  You don’t know any of these people, but they are here for the same event.  They are your peers, potential friends, mentors, clients or partners.  They are all potentially here, but all you see is a big room full of strangers.

How does that make you feel?  Do you feel nervous?  Self conscious?  Do you feel like the room is looking at you, judging you as you walk in?  Are you afraid?

What is your body language as you enter the room?  Are you shrinking back?  Are you looking at the floor, avoiding eye contact? Do you have closed in posture and hesitant movement?

Well, my friends, you are not alone.  Social situations scare the heck out of many people.  The good news is that the keys to mastering social situations are easily learned and mastered.

To some, this sort of affable interaction with strangers comes naturally, but to many of us it doesn’t.

How do you master the art of small talk?

First you have to take a look at yourself.  Why does this make you nervous?  What are you afraid of?  Using all the common tools to get over any common phobia you can do some basic reprogramming of your psyche so that you bring the proper intent into these situations.

I won’t go into details but things like positive self talk, affirmations, visualization and all the other ways you can change your attitude about something can be applied to your apprehension for social situations.

Even if you’re not a natural extrovert you can work on your intent.  You can mentally prepare yourself to enter the social situation without fear and with positive intent.  Why are you there?  What are you looking to accomplish?  What are the positive things that can result? Change your attitude.  Fix your inner game and the rest is just tactics.

From this introspection you can tailor your story specifically to the event or situation.  What do I mean?  We’ve talked about being able to tell your story before.  Be prepared to answer the question “So, what do you do?”  As we’ve discussed before, don’t just say “I work for XYZ.” It is much better to have a compelling or interesting story here about what you love about your life or your job, how you help people and how you add value.

Tailor this story to the event.  “Thanks for asking, Bob.  I’m in the insurance racket, but I love coming to these events because I meet such interesting people and learn a lot. What’s your story Bob?”

Work with it and practice it until it is natural and appropriate for the situation.

The second big thing you can do is to prepare for the event or situation so you’re not walking in cold and unarmed.

Study up.  What is the purpose of the event?  Who is the clientele?  Who is speaking at the event? What do you know about them?  What are the session topics?

(Note: I’ll actually see if the presenter’s names and titles are listed and I’ll go out and connect with thme on LinkedIn prior to the event.)

Arm yourself with current events topics.  What’s in the news?  What’s the weather forecast? What is the local news?  What are the local sports teams doing?

Third practice your eye contact and body language.

When you meet someone look them in the eyes for 2-3 seconds.  If that makes you uncomfortable, look at the space between their eyes.  Don’t lock eyes for more than a few seconds because it gets creepy.

After your initial eye contact, keep returning to engage the eye contact as you are conversing to show them that you are interested and to make that human contact, but don’t make it creepy or a ‘power move’.

Body language in social situations is also very important.  This is an area where you can practice and you can ‘fake it until you make it’.

When entering a room or walking in a crowd keep your head up, shoulders back, hips forward and open, hand and arms comfortably by your sides and open.  Stride with confidence like “you own the place and these are all your guests”.  Don’t forget an easy smile.

When you approach and engage a new person square your body up to them with that open form.  Respect their personal space.  Make eye contact and smile and say something engaging like “Hello, how are you? I’m Chris.  Are you enjoying the day?”

Fourth be prepared to engage in small talk.

When you have a conversation with someone it is like a game of tennis.  You say something, then they say something and you hit the ball easily back and forth.  Don’t hog the ball.  You are not trying to prove you’re smarter than they are.  You’re not trying to prove anything.  You are having a conversation.

Eye contact and smile.  Repeat the other person’s name if you can.  Be sincere, positive and in the moment.  Pay attention and be a good listener.  Focus on what they are saying and give them conversation cues, like head nods and verbal “uh-huh’s”.

Go into the small talk conversation with the intent to learn.  You want to learn who they are and what their story is.  Once you show them that it is safe and you are interested they will open up and the conversation will flow.

What will you say?  What will you talk about?

It’s a good bet, once you have a person engaged to ask easy, open-ended questions.  An open ended question can’t be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Or, if you feel a totally open-ended question is too broad you can ask a partially open question like “What are the top 3 things you want to get out of this event?” which gives a bit more direction to the answer.

Open ended questions are things like:

• Tell me your story?  Or tell me your company’s story?
• What are the big/important projects you are focused on this year?
• What has been the most interesting thing you’ve learned here?
• What did you think about the XYZ keynote presentation?
• How do you think you’ll be able to use this info when you get back to your office?
• What are the major reasons you come to these events? What do you look to get out of it?

Any of these open-ended type questions that cause the other person to think and expand a bit give you the opportunity to follow up and embellish with stories and confirmations and your opinion as the tennis match unfolds.

Brainstorm and write up a handful of these ahead of time and practice asking them with ease and positive intent and positive, open body language and appropriate eye contact so it is natural.

It’s really quite pleasant, informative and engaging once you get it flowing.

Eventually you will want to disengage from the tennis match and this will become obvious with body language cues or even verbal cues like “It was a real pleasure meeting you, I’ve got your card and I’ll follow up to make sure we stay connected.  Enjoy the event…”

You’ll know when it is time to disengage if you pay attention to your partner.

The majority of the people at the event are just like you.  They are looking for a way to engage.  They may be too nervous to take the initiative and when you are open and sincere it really lets them off the hook.  You’re performing a social service to the event and those people by being smooth in your small talk interaction.  You’re putting people at ease.

Instead of sweating and nervous in the corner of the room clutching your drink and staring out the window you will be learning and building your network and finding opportunities.  You’ll find answers and new ideas just by open and sincere engagement.

Going back to our opening scene where you open the door to a crowded dinner room – what does it look like now?  You enter the room erect and open, smiling and scanning the tables.  You find one that is mostly full but has an open chair or two.  You confidently stride towards it and smiling you say “Do you folks mind if I join you?”

And let the games begin.