You can handle it
Fear and the mind shift
I read a book recently…I know, I know, seems I’m always talking about a book I’ve recently read. It’s true, I probably read more than most people. I would like to believe that it is because I like to learn. I would like to believe that it is because I want to find ways to become a better person. Ironically, I probably read so much to avoid acting on any of these things I read about in the real world.
It’s probably not that black and white. Things never are. Some of this reading is a constant quest to find answers to the questions that bother me. Some of it, probably, is escapism and avoidance. Instead of talking to humans I can retreat into the mind of an expert for a few hours and feel like I accomplished something!
Anyhow, I read this book because I had heard the author interviewed on a podcast. He sounded like he had an interesting thesis and I was curious. The author was Dr. Robert Glover. The book was “No More Mr. Nice Guy!”
Before I go any further let me remind you that I am not a Dr. or anything certified or even qualified. I’m just a reader and observer. You are the captain of your own boat and don’t be afraid to ask for help from someone who is qualified. (By the way…one of the traits of nice guys is that they don’t like to ask for help.)
The basic premise of Dr. Glover’s work is that there is a certain type of person, specifically men, who have been programmed to be nice guys. They do everything they are supposed to. They lead honest, hard working lives. They fail to live up to their potential and they fail to get what they want out of life.
It’s a short read, and easy to digest. Some of it edges up against misogyny and conspiracy, which is thin ice to tread on. But, I don’t think that was Dr. Glover’s intent. He’s just trying to help a cadre of wimpy guys who feel like they got a bad deal.
The deal these nice guys thought they had was; they would be nice, avoid conflict, work hard and take care of problems and in exchange they would get what they wanted. Turns out that’s not what happens. Turns out if you follow that script you end up miserable and stuck in middle management.
This is an example of a ‘covert contract’. A covert contract is when you think you have a quid pro quo deal with someone, or the universe, and the other party doesn’t know that contract exists. You get mad and frustrated when they don’t hold up their end of the contract. The contract they don’t know exists and they never agreed to.
Many of the themes he talks about are common themes that we’ve talked about before. Seeing the world as abundant instead of scarce is one of those. Having and reinforcing an attitude of abundance is hard for nice guys. They are desperate for approval and try really hard to get it which causes them to discount all the great stuff that is all around them. They are needy by default because they are trying so hard to get people to like them.
Dr. Glover has a unique take, or at least an additive take, on how to deal with fear. Nice guys deal with a lot of fear. They tend to see the world as a scarce place, this makes them fearful to lose what scraps they have, believing that they will never be able to replace what they have. Fear of scarcity as well as fear of success. Nice guys live in a stew of anxieties.
Nice guys are also afraid to act on almost everything. Why? Because acting means the potential of failing or disappointing someone. Nice guys have spent their whole lives trying to gain approval and are devastated by rejection or criticism.
When failure, the appearance of failure or the possibility of rejection are the potential results of action, especially significant action, nice guys quail. It’s easier to hide under the covers. It’s easier to give ground to others. It’s easier to not take action because that way you can’t fail or be rejected.
You can see how much of a trap this is. First, any action that is significant enough to make a positive impact on your life is guaranteed to come with risk of rejection or failure. There is no easy path to significant progress. Avoiding these actions, the important ones, the ones that ‘put you out there’ is a straight path to mediocrity, or as Dr. Glover says “Middle Management”.
Second, hiding under the covers is not going to keep you safe anyway. We all know there is no hiding from life. Life is not a safe harbor. Life is not a flat-water paddle. Life is a series of white-water rapids. For the nice guy, that’s terrifying.
How do you reverse this? How do you train a nice guy to carpe the diem? This is the good part. One of the most powerful concepts I took from Dr. Glover’s book was the simple statement; “I can handle it.” Let’s say that again; “No matter what happens, I can handle it.” I love this.
This is a logical extension of the standard fear advice of thinking about the worst that can happen. That advice aims to engage your big brain rationally by having you think through the potential outcomes and realize that there is nothing terribly bad that is going to happen if you fail or are rejected.
That’s one way to rationalize the fear. Saying that you can handle it, not only rationalizes the fear, but shifts the power of the fear. Now you are in control. No matter what happens you can handle it. That’s a great piece of learning.
The master class version of this is now looking at the things that scare you and leaning in. Taking that fear that would normally turn a nice guy to a quivering mass of inactive jelly and instead using it to activate you.
That’s the master stroke. That’s what the superstars in this world do. They still feel the fear. They still have to rationalize it. The difference is they know they can handle the outcome. Instead of freezing, or running, or hiding they turn into that fear and use its energy to drive their performance.
That’s really all you can control; your performance. The results are still going to be out of your hands. But if you accept the fact that, that no matter what the results, you will handle it, you now have the freedom to execute into and with that fear.