Fierce Conversations

Many good things

I’m a book hoarder.  I read a lot but I can’t keep up with the rate at which I acquire books.  I’ll routinely have 5-10 recommended books sitting in a pile mocking me.  It’s like trying to bail the ocean with a teaspoon.  There are so many good works of substance out there, especially now in the digital age, I’m like a kid in a candy store with insubstantial willpower. 

I have had a book sitting on my kindle for many months now by Susan Scott called “Fierce conversations” that I got an opportunity to start reading last week.  I’m only 30% done with it but have already been smacked around by a bunch of ‘holy cow!’ moments where what she is saying totally resonates with something I’m feeling or thinking about. 

Another challenge I have is that I have the old Kindle so highlighting and taking notes is almost impossible.  (But, hey it was only $75)  This book was giving me so many ‘wow’ thoughts that I actually had to dig my notebook out and start taking pen and paper notes so I would not lose the thoughts.

I originally was drawn to the book because of the premise of how to have hard conversations with people.  Like most people I don’t like having hard conversations and avoid them by nature, but I have learned over the years in business and life that these are the good conversations.  I had to learn that if I was uncomfortable then something of substance was happening, and that’s a good thing. 

What I found in the book, and this is becoming a common theme, was a reassessment of self and the way you have to change your thinking to have these meaningful conversations. 

I also like to digest these types of books.  When you find a good, thoughtful book full of substance you can’t burn through it like the latest Janet Evanovich novel.  You have to wade carefully and take breaks to digest the lumps of revelation. That means you can’t ‘read’ them per se.  You more study them.  Like Thoreau or Seneca.  Each sentence is cause for reflection.  And this drives me nuts because there are ten more books just like them taunting me.

Here are some way-points of interest so far…

“Death and success both happen one conversation at a time.” 

In our worlds we have a dearth of fierce conversations.  Each time we avoid a fierce conversations we are creating a slow death for that relationship.  Each time we engage in that fierce conversation we are building a successful relationship. 

These fierce conversations are the moments of truth in our lives and we have to treat them as such.

“Courage comes from the old French for heart.”

These conversations take courage.  They take emotional engagement and ownership.  They require a deep personal investment in the conversation itself.  It has to come from the heart.

“A man goes to the Zen Master.  The Master says “Do you want a cup of tea?” But as the Master is pouring the tea he keeps pouring as the cup fills and overflows.  When the man protests the Master replies “Come back to me when you are empty.”

You cannot learn unless you are open to learn.  What is it about yourself that is keeping you from having these meaningful conversations?   Why would you rather suffer a slow death by hiding from them?  Like everything else, fierce conversations start with you, not the person you are conversing with.

Here I’ll depart to another thoughtful book I’m reading one sentence at a time (Arrghh!) It’s “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron.  In it she teaches that when you find yourself in a conversation that is uncomfortable you have to rejoice because you have found something.  You need to step back and examine what it is about this conversation that is effecting you.  You have to be in the ‘now’ of the conversation and you will learn about yourself from it.

“Values versus Behavior.”

Values are what we hold onto most strongly.  Values are the important things that drive behaviors.  In a fierce conversation you have to declare your values.  These are the bedrock of how you approach the conversation and how you see the world.

If there is a gap between your values and your behavior it freaks you out.  When your reality doesn’t match your values you can end up in a rudderless drift and malaise.  If you find yourself directionless it’s because you let your reality drift from your values.

“The problem is not the mission statement.”

Companies create mission statements but those statements have to align with the company’s values.  If there is a disconnect then there is no integrity and the company is weak and won’t be able to survive disruption. 

One way to diagnose your current malaise is write down your core values, run an integrity scan and see if they are out of alignment with your reality and behavior.  If you have an integrity outage in your relationship, company or life you have to answer the question “What must I do to clean this up?”  How do you get back into alignment?

“I have not yet witnessed a spontaneous recovery from incompetence.”

It’s always about people.  I have found this so many times in my career.  At the bottom of every success and every challenge are people.  Once you find that person that is out of alignment you have to have a fierce conversation with them.  Avoiding it doesn’t help you or them. 

“As a leader you get what you tolerate.”

Many times we are clear in our own heads about the behavior and results we are looking for but we have done a poor job of communicating that.  People need communication.   They need to be clearly told what is expected, what the parameters are, what the shared values are and what the goal is.  Otherwise you get drift.  Drift in an employee.  Drift in a relationship. 

“Hire Attitude, train skill.”

Hiring is such a black art.  It is so critical to success and at the same time so risky.  The only thing that truly works is to hire on attitude. You can teach skill. 

…

Those are just some of the snippets I’ve pulled out of this leadership book masquerading as a business book.  I can’t wait to get to some of the practical and tactical exercises that must be coming to forward the practice of fierce conversations. 

I know I’m going to sit down and have some fierce conversations with the people I love.  Those conversations aren’t going to be about me or my agenda.  They are going to start with my core values and who I am. 

Cheers,

Chris